A friend asked me “If you were a secuirty guard, would you still smoke THC?  How would that affect your ability to do your job?”

Note: I composed this response as a text message with extreme haste which is why I've decided to honor that design decision and do ZERO editing or proofreading.  Enjoy the mistakes.


As a blazed security guard I can assure you that I would be working overtime to concieve of all new ways that any fuckers might try to come at us.  If there’s one thing that weve learned from the home alone franchise it’s that, at least when it comes to burglary and home invasions, creativity is an unbeatable countermeasure.

Those silly Burglars just couldn’t beat that deliciously underaged boymeat– of course Im referring to how i always just assumed that the dark (and hilariously misguided) subtext to the story is that, once they finally do catch him, those bad guys were going to rape the FUCK out of that little white suburbanite.  Not even specifically as punishment for the irreparable damage they’ve sustained to both body and ego. They’re clearly evil people, looking to do some evil shit.  Let’s assume that the villains managed to outfox and subdue him, what next?  can’t press charges for assault, cant open a lawsuit, DEFINITELY can’t tell his parents because they’re too busy being super competant at neglect.

I see three options after this hypothetical capture: 1) they kill Kevin 2) they rape and  then kill Kevin 3) they forcefully  recruit Kevin, who will then submit a few years of regularly-scheduled rapes until his booty inevitbably gives out and his psyche irredeemably shattered, culminating in a final bloodbath.  A melee royale which challenged the structural integrity of two separate diners and a Super K-mart– all 3 destroyed by makeshift dickpuncher traps or some similiar form of weaponized slapstickery.  But a lone survivor, battered and bloodied, is seen limpong from the scene of destruction.   It is Joe Pesci (who is playing the character of Joe Pesci), and he is eating from the box of canolis that he had planned on giving Kevin. Today was his birthday and he thought that maybe for once he would give him something else aside from the everlasting gift of more rape.

They woukd have Raped that character so hard that even the actor playing him would  eventually turn to drugs to just for the momentary respite of being able to escape the indomitable pain of having to relieve the trauma of his shattered youth and the following departure of innocence– and in a brilliant twist of avtual irony that exact thing ends up happening to our hero.  Pretty much for those exact same reasons too, minus him being a character inside of a fictional story.

Maybe I will back off my rape stance a little, but I maintain that the Burglars definitely shared some kind of special human bond with Kevin.   otherwise they would go to literally any other house and just avoid having to deal with this  nightmare child who is rapidly revealing the fact that, not only is he somehow trained alongside Batman long enough to be able to subvert the actual organized crime that shows up in his neighborhood,  but he’s also cagey enough that he can just avoid the wrath of these bad guys after foiling their heist and seriously fucking with their livelihood.  Either they CANT catch him, or they just choose not to catch him– probably to preserve whatever weird attractive force that continues to keep bringing all of these people together, sequel after sequel.

But if not, then it probably has something to do with the fact that he is an uncatchable master trapmaker. In fact he either conceived of the Vietcong or taught them everything that they knew.  He has invented several types of traps that are designed specifically just to ball-punch the shit out of the crotch any would-be intruders.  we can clearly see that hes become so bored with producing conventional traps or any kind of lethal-deterrants in his defense system.  instead he is doing what any disinterested psychopath would do:  whichever thing that will lead to the situation thats seems like it’s going to be the most entertaining to watch.

By the way, it should  be noted  how pissed off these guys are, that rage motivates them and still they are unable  to neutralize Kevin in any capacity.   I’m talking bout the kind of rage that can only come from the desperate situation of man that has nothing left to lose.  Now supplement that rage with whatever depraved character traits that already reside inside of the psychological profile of an enterprising felon– potentially the same traits that lead them down whichever misfortunate path thats brought them into a situation where one child is literally ruining their chances to ever have a normal taint again.

Now, clearly, kevin wields the power of a demon– either that or he IS the present incarnation of famed Carthaginian  general, Hannibal Barca.

THAT CHILD COULD HAVE MURDERED THEM AT WILL, I assume the reason he didn’t just murder them instantly is that he uses the misery of others to fuel his demon powers.  Only by being in the presence of true suffering and misery is he able to recharge the demon battery which sustains his demon powers.  The more exquisite the suffering, the better. Demons love that shit and if you deprive them of their only pleasure they’ll do to you what they did to Jared fogel

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